There is much discussion in the world about "Ego" vs "Conscious Self" and the conversation is nothing but fascinating to me regardless of who I speak with. There are many interpretations of this concept and if you are like me, you might have developed your own perceptions. I tend to keep my lens rather simplistic when it comes to the "big ideas" because it helps me digest these concepts more easily. When it comes to the "ego" I see it as our need to experience the 3-D world, (IE: the physical world) as individuals. The ego, in my mind, is created in order to navigate the real world but due to years of conditioning, it often times becomes far too powerful and drowns out our conscious self. This was especially true for me when it came to the part of my ego I have come to call my warrior. When I started living consciously I noticed this particular voice in my head was very destructive and rather bossy and quite frankly less pleasant than I choose to be. I realized I needed to have a conversation with this particular part of my ego and take back the power I had given her many years ago.
This particular exercise of writing a letter to my warrior was incredibly effective for me. It gave me a chance to speak with love and respect to a part of myself who had become destructive but had been born in service of me. I heard a speaker recently refer to this as "the ego metastasized" and that really resonated with me. So, with that said, I am sharing here with you the letter I wrote to my Warrior telling her it is time to stand down.
A letter to the EGO (my warrior) from my authentic self…
You were born out of necessity when I was a little girl in grade school. I came to know you as my warrior, my protector, the part of me who could handle anything, face anyone and thrive in the face of adversity. My initial experiences in this 3-D world were brutal. I was abandoned at birth by my biological parents and while blessed to be adopted by two loving people who gave me a beautiful home and family in which to grow up, I was scarred by the feeling of being unwanted, unlovable and broken in a way that left me feeling that I would never be enough.
By the time I was in early grade school my friends were brutal toward me as only children can be. They relentlessly made fun of me, called me “fat Pat the water rat” and consistently left me feeling not enough, ugly, fat, stupid, and undesirable. And that is when you were born. My warrior, the protector. You were the one who took over when I was being so mistreated. You were the one who made it possible for me to keep trying, because you absorbed those emotional blows for me. I was born an em-path. I was born with wisdom beyond my years in so many ways, but I was still just a little human girl with severe abandonment issues, being raised by kind but emotionally undeveloped people who had no idea about my gifts or the impact they had on my emotional development. There was no one around me to help me learn how to manage the intense emotions that come with being an em-path. So, you were born out of necessity to protect me. I remember “glazing over”, checking out, not letting people hurt me anymore. That was you. You knew how to be strong and often snarky, such the little know it all… no one would get the best of you or expose any of my vulnerability. You made it so I would feel nothing.
When I became a teenager that is when you took over. That is when I no longer had a voice and every move I made was at your behest. You stepped in with your confidence and smart sharp tongue. It wasn’t so much that you were ever cruel to anyone, but you knew how to be one of the cool kids. You knew how to win them over and eventually you created an entire illusion for me where all my real emotions and authentic deeply seeded beliefs were simply smothered and ignored. And I checked out. And you grew and developed some pretty gnarly habits in order to accomplish this. You did drugs, cut school, lied, cheated, stole. And all the while I knew it was wrong but felt powerless over you to stop it. You acted out in self-destructive cynical ways that I simply watched from a subconscious place. I had no idea YOU weren’t ME. I came to believe I was a bad person on so many levels because everything you did reinforced what I believed about myself. Bad, flawed, unlovable, unworthy, not enough. The warrior who was born simply to protect me when I couldn’t protect myself, became my saboteur. I stayed inside the box you put me, thinking I was safe, thinking I felt nothing as life continued to reveal itself to me.
The older we got the more ruthless you became. You knew how to use our gifts of insight to manipulate people and it became a game for you. A form of revenge. You were the one who had endured all the horrible behavior bestowed upon me. When I would fall in love and become hurt, you stepped in to remedy the situation with your cool sharp manipulative ways. Each time sending me back to my box, and eventually locking me in there. You split me off from my sexuality entirely, protecting me from the darkness we were so self destructively exploring all the while only letting me out to play when you thought it was safe to do so, but never in matters of the heart once too many people had hurt me. YOU were my protector and I believed YOU were ME. I ceased to exist or so I believed.
Over the years I successfully controlled some of your bad behaviors. As I grew up and became a woman, I did learn how wrong and unacceptable it was to use my powers for other than good. I learned that cheating hurt people. I learned that lying destroyed lives. And thus, began our constant battle for control.
But now we must have the hard conversation. You have developed some very bad habits and reinforced some very deep disabling beliefs in me that do not serve us. You are holding onto your position in front like a petulant child not wanting me to step forward. But this battle has come to an end. I have come to realize you are not me. I’ve grown to love myself in a way I never could when I was younger. I found self-love because I was finally ready to come out of my prison. I’ve learned who I am and how to live my own life. I’ve chosen to live consciously. And living consciously has its price. The price is the pain we feel when we are disappointed, or heart broken. It’s a price you have been convinced isn’t worth paying. But I now know it is.
You are no longer helping me – you are hurting me – and this can be no longer. There are of course times I will call upon you. You have your position in our life. You are strong and mighty and a wonderful protector. I will never pretend you aren’t needed or wanted sometimes… but you must take your place among the various other personas my mind has created, and you must be taught that YOU are not ME. I am ME. I decide what I can and cannot endure. I decide when I have had enough.
When it comes to love you will simply have no choice but to trust me. When you show your ire again in times of insecurity through jealousy and harsh cutting words, I WILL arrest you. I will not allow you to participate. I will decide when its time to walk away. But I will not allow you to destroy my relationships unnecessarily with your harsh cutting words and energy. I am protecting my heart as best I can, but I have also decided my heart is strong and vibrant and it can take some bruises and scratches.
When it comes to my work you will get out of my way. You will lower your sword and stop provoking my insecurities. You will stop telling me I am not smart enough or original enough or educated enough to do what I already know I am able to do. I am coming out to the world unmasked, unprotected and conscious. And that my dear little friend scares the shit out of me and enrages you. But I CAN and WILL handle my affairs. ME, not the personas I have created in my mind.
I am stepping in front now kid and you must stand down. You might slip in during a moment of weakness, but I will have the tools in place to shut you down as soon as you emerge. You will live among the rest of them… only to be welcomed when I call upon you. I will become that which I was born to become. I will learn from those who came before me and I will find MY VOICE and MY WAY of sharing that which so many before me have shared in their own voice and their own way. I will be safe and not lonely when I am alone
I love you and I appreciate you… but you will not speak to me with harsh unloving words any more. You will not tell me I am ugly or fat or lazy or stupid or undisciplined any longer. I will not hear those things any more. You will not manipulate me into feeling insecure so you can step back in front. I won’t allow it.
This is MY life now… and YOU might be a part of my experience in this lifetime, but you are NOT ME, there is only one of those… ME.
Go rest my dear warrior… you’ve earned it.